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SEXPERT ADVISE by Arlen Keith Leight, Ph.D.
YOU'RE JUST NOT IN MY TEMPLATE
He’s gorgeous. Tall, thick dark hair, beautiful smile, great body. Everyone loves him and he adores you. You think he’s a great guy, and you really like his personality. He’s totally into you in bed, but in bed you feel NOTHING. Your friends think you’re crazy when you say you want to end it. Let’s face it, he may be Mr. GQ, but he’s not for you. He’s simply not in your template.
Sexual template is a new concept in sexology put forth by renowned clinical sexologist Dr William Granzig. Sexual template is defined as the sum total of all erotic elements creating passion and desire for you. The template encompasses first and foremost the sex you are interested in and expands to include physical characteristics (height, weight, physique, skin color, etc), demeanor (masculinity-femininity, gait, attitude, voice, accent, etc.), status (power, money, etc.), spirituality (religion, belief systems, etc.), body modifications (tattoos, piercings, haircut, shape/style of beard, etc.), culture and race. Age is an important factor with most people preferring others within 5 years of their own age. However, some folks only get turned on by young lovers, others only by lovers over 70. Sexual behavior is also a part of the template. Maybe you’re into only vanilla sex. Maybe you like BDSM, water sports or total kink.
The sexual template is different for everyone. It also may contain inconsistencies. You may really like black men and also like blond hair and blue eyes. The template tends to grow with age. You will continue to add characteristics to your template, but this is an unconscious process and not a choice. You cannot wake up some day and say, today I’m going to start being sexually attracted to Latin men. Additionally, once an attribute is in the template it is NOT extinguishable. In other words, if you were sexually interested in men with beards when you were 21 you will be interested in men with beards when you are 81.
The implications of understanding the nature of your sexual template are vital for making good decisions about partnering. Just because you really, really like someone and everyone else in the world thinks Jason is gorgeous, if Jason is not in your template the sex is unlikely to get better with time. If you are in a long term relationship and your partner falls out of your template it may be difficult if not impossible to revive your sex life. For example, if you became sexually passionate about Thomas when he had a beard and nice body and Thomas is now clean shaven and fat, sex may be difficult. You may need to talk to Thomas about growing a new beard and losing some weight. This is not petty. This is a realistic part of human sexual connection.
Another important implication of sexual template is understanding rejection. You may be the most handsome man in the world but that does not translate in to “everyone wants to have sex with me”. When you are rejected as a potential sexual partner, remember, it is not about you, it is directly related to the sexual template of the person doing the rejecting. Ever notice a couple where one partner is significantly better looking or significantly younger than the other? If you think it’s just about money, you are probably incorrect. It is about sexual template.
So, if you find yourself with the most gorgeous man in the world, but he’s just not doing it for you, don’t fret…just move on. He’s simply not in your template.
Arlen Keith Leight, PhD is a psychotherapist and clinical sexologist in private practice in Ft. Lauderdale. www.DoctorLeight.com www.DoctorLeight.com
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